We get stuck, or we give up on the new things that we do. This is because when we do new things, unexpect things happen and things go wrong. And we respond to these things emotionally.
We have to deal with these emotions. And emotions are work.
This is one of the main themes of the one man show that I did in Brighton. And it’s in the show I’m doing in Ediburgh 11th-23rd August 6:20pm the Clover Studio at Riddles Court with Greenside venues.
An example that I give in the show is my Greek B1 exam. I’ve failed it twice. I have no plans to take it a third time.
There are lots of kids in London, especially North London, who have Greek parents and learn Greek. By the time that they’re ready to sit the B1 exam, they’re 10, 11, 12. The exams tend to take place in “Greek Schools” which are schools that they go to out of the hours of normal school to learn Greek.
The last time that I did a Greek exam was at one of these schools. And we were sitting at chairs and at tables that were suitable for 12 year olds. I could see the envigilators huddling in conversation. I could see them gesturing towards some grown-up chairs in the corner. And also looking at some of the lankier 12-year olds and clearly thinking that they should get bigger chairs.
Furniture got moved, and some of the bigger boys got big boy chairs and big boy tables.
Here is the humiliation. I didn’t get a big boy chair. I wasn’t offered one (I’m 5 foot six) and I certainly wasn’t going to be asked for one and be turned down.
I found a publisher for my book. Which is very exciting. It’s my first one.
Last night, someone very close to me asked me why my book was taking so long. I’d mentioned that I was working on it yesterday morning.
I said that I’d sent the publisher some chapters, and that I was revising some of the others. “Why? What’s wrong with them?” Was their response.
Part of me feels like I’m making a fuss over nothing. But part of me feels that I’m really not. Part of me thinks, that it’s these kind of sideways comments that cut so deep and do stop so many people dead in their tracks.
Because, in my experience, this is the kind of interaction that can make it very easy to give up, give in, give out. It’s the kind of couple of lines that can make someone give way. Allow themselves to be distracted. Acknowledge all the very good reasons why they shouldn’t be creating. A think like this gives them the chance they need to “see sense.” To realise that there’s no real reason why they should be doing something new.
Part of the reason that I’m “Always,” working on my book, is that I find it very difficult to concentrate on my writing for more than about forty-five minutes
And as I’m saying that, there’s a voice in my head telling me that’s because I’m lazy. And it’s because I’m stupid. And it’s because I can’t apply myself to anything.
Could you guess that that’s the same voice? The same voice as the person who last night asked me what was wrong with the chapters I sent to the publisher. The implication of course was that I’d done something wrong. And really, that there was something wrong with me.
To be fair to that person, most of the time, it’s just their voice that’s in my head. I’m doing the thinking. I’m doing the talking. To myself, but in that voice.
I’ve always wanted to be a writer. It’s taken until my fifties to find a constellation of circumstances that works for me. This is a combination of time available, subject matter and help from others. I found a mix that means I feel I can write. I not diagnosed with any kind of concentration disorder. And I don’t want to be. That is absolutely no reflection on those who have a diagnosis. But I do want is to be able to spend those valuable forty-five minutes every morning writing. Moving whatever I’m writing just one more nudge nearer publication. But the result of that, is that, from the outside, it does seem like my book is never going to be finished.